I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
