just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
