My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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