How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
