i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
