just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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