i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
