Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
