It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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