Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
