We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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