ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
