You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
