The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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