He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
