My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize