Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
