We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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