After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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