who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize