walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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