The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize