Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Randomize
