Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
