Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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