im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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