and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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