No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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