Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
