somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
