the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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