Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
