The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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