A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
