I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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