Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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