I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
