The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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