Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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