I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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