I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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