I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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