I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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