you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize