Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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