Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
