You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize