This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
