why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
