Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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