Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
