Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
smell my finger.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
