she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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