i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Send help, water and tortillas.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I love you. Go after that dick
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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