I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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