Where are you?
In a non slutty way
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
